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Flash Robbing Chicago


Oh the humanity! Flash mobs are supposed to be fun, joyous celebrations of the human spirit, an explosion of fun in the monotony of the 9-5. They’ve become the modern day Robin Hoods, taking joy from fire safety regulators and security guards and giving it to the people. But I’ve always wondered how they got the money for those snappy trench coats and wrist watches…

Apparently, when not flash mobbing, these people use their skills to stage heists and crimes to fund their suddenly not-so-innocent spontaneous dance fetishes. And this dates way back through American History, all the way to the Civil War era when John Wilkes Booth (a.k.a “Flashcat”), the original flash mobber, shot President Lincoln in cold blood. While many people believe this was in response to his anti-slavery campaign and unpopular stance on the use of nuclear weaponry, it was in fact just a diversion so that John “Flashcat” Booth’s associates could simultaneously hit five 7-11 convenience stores to raise funds for the bowler hats they’d need for their next flash dance.

Today, we see the price of this bloody tradition in the form of a coordinated “Flash Rob” (patent pending) that hit three Sports Authority stores in the Chicago area. Let us bow our heads in silence for the ankle socks and jock straps that were lost this day.

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